Beyond “How Was School Today?”: Better Ways to Connect with Your Child After School
It’s pretty obvious that a strong parent-child relationship relies on communication. What’s less obvious is how to facilitate that communication. If you’ve ever asked “how was school today?” and were met with a shrug or “fine,” you might feel discouraged. By asking more engaging questions and showing up as active, curious listeners, we invite our kids into deeper conversations and stronger relationships. Don’t give up on this opportunity to connect! Here are some strategies to try on your next school night, whether your child is 6 or 16.
Swap “How was school?” for more specific, open-ended questions
Instead of one big, vague question, try something smaller and more specific. These questions might stir a specific memory your child will want to share, or entice them to do some storytelling about themselves:
YOUNG CHILDREN
“What’s something that made you laugh today?”
“Who did you play with at recess? What games did you play?”
“What did you do in [their favorite subject in school] today?”
“If your day were a weather forecast, what would it be—and why?”
TEENS
“If you could swap one of your classes for literally anything else, what would it be?”
“Which teachers are you enjoying the most? Why do you connect with them?”
“What’s something you’d like to do before the season changes?”
“Is anything frustrating you or stressing you out at school?”
WHAT IF THEY WON’T ANSWER?
If your child isn’t in the mood to talk, it’s okay. Offer a question and let it breathe. Sometimes connection starts with your calm presence more than your words.
Use activities to create space for conversation
If you struggle with getting your kid to communicate, maybe getting questioned on the car ride home isn’t their style. Some kids don’t want to launch into a debrief the minute they leave school—and that’s fair! Consider offering some decompression time first: a snack, a walk, quiet play, or riding home in peaceful silence.
Once they’ve had some time, you might invite them to one of the following activities without expectation, and see if conversation crops up:
A walk or bike ride
Playing with toys, Legos, or drawing together
Cooking or baking something simple
Watering and tending to the garden
Riding in the car with music low
Often, kids open up when they feel less “on the spot.”
Practice active listening—without jumping to fix anything
When your child does share, resist the urge to interrupt, solve, or give advice right away (even when your heart is shouting to help). This could discourage future sharing. Instead, try:
Reflecting back what you hear: “That sounds like it was really frustrating.”
Validating their feelings: “I get why you’d feel that way.”
Asking curious follow-ups: “What do you think you’ll do next time?” or “How did that feel in your body?”
Remind them you’re there to help without any pressure: “You can always come to me if you want to talk about this again, or if you want help dealing with that. Thank you for sharing with me.”
Sometimes they just need to feel heard, not helped.
Connection doesn’t always look like talking
Not every connection has to be a conversation. Sitting next to each other while reading, listening to music, or doing homework can build trust too. When kids know they can just be with you—without pressure—they’re more likely to open up on their own terms.
Create consistent rituals of check-in
Kids thrive with routine and rhythm. Try making a daily or weekly check-in ritual that’s special to your relationship. Some ideas:
High/Low/Rainbow: What was a high point, low point, and something surprising or colorful about your day?
A shared journal or note exchange if they prefer writing
A “rose, thorn, bud” reflection (something good, something hard, and something you’re looking forward to)
It doesn’t need to be perfect—just something consistent and heartfelt.
Connecting with your child can present in many ways. What’s most important is to stay curious, listening, and openminded. If you need help connecting with a child struggling with neurodivergence or behavioral challenges at school, therapy might be a helpful tool to unlock understanding and communication. Reach out today to request a consultation!
